Reverse Falls
by Carol Molliniere
Summary: Gideon Gleeful and Pacifica Northwest are spending summer with Pacifica's magician uncle Bill Northwest. Of course, it would be a normal summer if they hadn't found a journal describing the crazy mysteries of Gravity Falls, Oregon. My take on the Reverse Pines AU.
1. Prologue: Entering Gravity Falls

**Reverse Falls**

**By: Carol Molliniere**

**(A/N: Gravity Falls fever has taken over me, as well as their AUs! Time to write about my favorite one! I guess.**

**I hope this is an appropriate take on the AU, as well as an appropriate entrance into the GF fandom.)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything that Alex Hirsch and the creators of this AU may recognize as their own.**

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><p>Cigarette smoke puffs around the magician like little storm clouds coming out of a snorkel. He closes his eyes, and takes the little stick of death out of his mouth, exhaling and polluting the room. He opens his eyes and stares contemplatively around the kitchen, at the nearly empty fridge (<em>not hungry)<em>, at the peeling wallpaper (_boring_), and at the phone, where a thin layer of dust was collecting (_no one calls_).

At this thought, the little kitchen phone rings. (_Speak of the devil._)

He supposes he has no other choice but to answer it, so he brings the ash tray over to the spot below the phone, and catches it on the fourth ring.

"Y'ello?" He sticks the cigarette back inside his mouth.

"William? Is that you?"

(_Preston?_) He nearly chokes on the smoke, and catches the burning tobacco stick before it falls out of his mouth. "Well, well, well." (_Hide surprise, sound smart._) "You've finally decided to call!" He puts on a smile, even though no one can see him.

"Bill, this is a matter of consequence," his older brother begins. "Don't think I called just because I missed you." "Really?" The snark is back. He exhales. "I'm flattered that you love me," the magician says flatly.

A sigh. (_The expected response. How Preston-like._) "I don't know what to say to that, but at least hear me out. Sorry about the short notice, but I might as well...My daughter's staying over at your house for the summer."

This time, the magician really does choke. He coughs, thumping his chest, slightly glad that his cigarette had not been in his mouth. He takes a few deep breaths before picking up the receiver that banged against the wall in his fit. "D-daughter?" He tries not to sound more nervous than he already is, and takes another drag from the stick of death before continuing. "You never told me you had a daughter!"

"Really?" (_Why does he sound so surprised? Or is that just the past twelve years catching up to us?_) "Well, your niece's name is Pacifica. I bet you'll like her."

"If that bet involved money, I would take it," the magician says dully, frowning. (_A twelve-year old girl? Here? All summer?_) "Anything else I should know?"

"You might have to prepare for two kids, actually." the disembodied voice on the phone says – and before he can process, Preston continues. "Pacifica says she'll bring her friend over."

(_Darn it. Two girls?!_) He exhales more smoke, even chews a little on the cigarette. Ash falls into the ash tray. "You expect me to take care of a few kids for the summer? What, am I gonna have to start a day care now?"

"Be glad it's just the summer, Bill," the disembodied voice scolds. "And Pacifica says she and her friend Gideon will be able to behave themselves around you."

He sighs, making it sound more like a scoff. "Fat chance." (_One of them's a boy. Like that'll help my case._) "How soon're they coming over?"

"Next week, Saturday." He wedges the phone between his head and his shoulder to look at the calendar from across the room. (_Next week. Gives all of us just enough time to prepare._)

(_Maybe not all of us._) "So, when do I get paid for this?"

"Very funny, Bill."

"No, seriously." He breathed out a puff of smoke. "Tell me this'll be worth it in the end."

"It will. Just promise me one thing."

"Hm?" (_Not sure what to expect._)

"Don't feed her with any of your crazy conspiracies."

(_Pause. Million things running through mind all in a split second. 2000. Journals. No, no, no, no.)_ Almost instantly, the magician responds.

"Yeah, sure. Don't expect they won't find out, though."

"Bill."

"Just kidding, just kidding!" He forces a last smile, and shoves the cigarette onto the ash tray, effectively killing it in his hand. "Nothing freaky will happen to Patty and Geronimo, I promise."

"Pacifica and Gideon."

"Same difference."

"Alright then, Bill. I trust you." With that, the disembodied voice of Preston turns into the beep of a heart monitor telling you your heart is dead (_dead, dead, dead_).

He turned around, hanging the receiver back into place, and stared again at the calendar. (_I really need a smoke._)

* * *

><p>Hot breath met cold glass. The glass fogged up in response, and a finger reached out to draw a little llama-like illustration on it.<p>

"How long've you been doin' that?" a voice beside the finger's owner asked. The finger's owner turned towards their friend who had surrounded himself with their backpacks and suitcases, as if building a wall.

"Long enough to be sure I'm accumulating germs on this finger."

"Pacifica, please."

"Don't worry about it, Gideon," Pacifica reassured the boy. "It's gonna be fun at my uncle's place. It's our first summer away from home; maybe things'll be different there."

"I guess so," Gideon said, returning to looking out the window at the passing trees. Pacifica stared at her friend for a little while, a concerned look on her face.

The nine-year old had been so engrossed in his thoughts that he didn't notice a hand reaching out for his hat until it was too late and out of his reach.

"H-hey! Pacifica!" Gideon shouted, trying to grab his hat. "Gimme that back!" His friend only giggled and held it over his head. "Then stop being such a killjoy and try to have a little fun!"

Gideon flailed his arms around for his cap in vain, and fell over his belongings. Pacifica laughed heartily, and then put the hat back on his head. "Just relax, Gid. The town's probably not as bad as it seems."

The boy nodded and sat back upright, putting the bags back in place around him. "As long as you don't do anything stupid 'round there."

"Don't worry about me, Gideon! I'll have you around; that alone is protection from stupidity."

Her friend laughed, shaking his head. "What kind of town will Gravity Falls be like, anyway?" he asked. Pacifica had to shrug just a little. "We'll just have to wait and see."

As she was saying this, the bus pulled over. "Entering Gravity Falls," the automated voice on the bus said. The two kids grabbed their heavy bags, and walked through the bus, past the empty seats and out the door. Before they had much time to think about it, as soon as they were both out, the doors slid shut, and the bus drove away.

Pacifica stared after the bus, while Gideon looked up at the sign in front of them that said, "Welcome to Gravity Falls". He eyed it for a long time before Pacifica called out for him, and they had to walk from there to the strange building at the end of town called the "Magic House".

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><p><strong>(AN: So, what did you think? Not exactly conventional Reverse Pines, but that's how it works for me. Don't get me wrong, I do respect the original AU, and I think it's just fine. I just want to show you guys my own take on things. So everyone in this AU is reversing roles, and not just Gideon/Pacifica with Dipper/Mabel; and it's Stan and Bill who switch places, instead of Stan and Bud. It would probably be acceptable for you to tell me if you have issues with this, but if it makes you feel any better, I do think the blue Bill Cipher is cute.)**

**Leave anything behind in the form of reviews!**

**And Merry Christmas!)**


	2. Tourist Trapped (Part 1)

**(A/N: And with that, I bring you the new chapter for this fanfiction – the first part of the first episode, "Tourist Trapped"!)**

**All disclaimers apply.**

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><p>"She's looking at it! She's looking at it!"<p>

Gideon looked up, then sighed. _Oh no, she's doing it again._

Ever since he and Pacifica had moved into Gravity Falls with Mr. Northwest, his friend had tried to make fulfill her promise to her parents: that she would get a friend that met the following criteria: a) is around her age or a little older, b) is a girl, and c) is a "girly-girl".

Now, don't get Pacifica's parents wrong; Gideon knew they didn't have too much trouble with their tomboy-ish daughter being friends with a nine-year old boy who "appreciated the sparkly things in life" in the long run, and neither did his parents. The first problem was that they were both introverted in a world where extroversion was the norm, and both their parents wanted them to "get out more" - whatever that meant. The trip was probably a way for them to get to open up, perhaps even get a few hobbies that were more like what was expected of their gender.

And the second problem was that Pacifica didn't want to let her parents down as much as possible.

So there his friend was, watching a girl open up a list that she had hidden in the gift shop.

"Uh...'do you want to be my friend?' " the girl read off the paper. " 'Yes'...'Definitely'...'Absolutely'?" The girl put the paper down and looked around concernedly, while Pacifica whispered excitedly, "I rigged it!"

Gideon rolled his eyes as he rubbed clean a pair of silver chains (possibly used for a couple of escape tricks). " 'Cifica," he said, "I know you're beginnin' t'want some friends your age, but I think you're bein' a little over the top."

"What?" She turned to him. "Come _on_, Gideon! This is our first summer away from home! Thus, it's my first chance to make some new friends!"

_If you were to ask me, we're fine the way we are._

Now Gideon was more reluctant to make new friends than Pacifica. But he didn't want her to know that, what with her enthusiasm and all. So Gideon didn't tell her what came first on his mind. Instead, he said what came second: "Yeah, but do you have to go wild on everyone you meet?"

He wasn't wrong. On their first day, after settling in, Pacifica had tried to make friends with a lot of girls, none of them successful attempts. First, it had been a girl at the postcard display of the gift shop, then a girl with a pet turtle sitting on a bench, and finally a female employee waving people to a mattress sale. And, as mentioned above, it was just the first day. So if Gideon thought she was overdoing it with the friendliness, his words made sense.

However, Pacifica just shrugged his comment off. "Mock all you want, Gid, but I've got a good feeling about this summer!" she said. "In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if my new friend walked through that door right now!"

His friend pointed at a door leading from the inside of the House to the gift shop. Through it walked the magnificent Bill Northwest, who had apparently just finished a soda and was trying to burp, but couldn't get the gas out of his system. As he groaned, his niece recoiled in disgust. "Oh, why?!" she said, while Gideon chuckled.

Bill turned to the employees in the room – Gideon and Pacifica included. He said, "Alright, alright, look alive, people! I need someone to hang up these signs in the spooky part of the forest." He held up a few arrow-shaped signs, no doubt meaning to lead to the Magic House.

What was the Magic House? Definitely a work of magic. Or, in Gideon's mind, fake magic.

Tourists saw the Magic House as a tourist trap, a roadside attraction for a good time. Bill performed magic for them – using a lot of cheap tricks (but to give the guy credit, some of them were actually pretty good) – and in return, after every show, they would have to buy something from the gift shop. Not many people suspected he was a shady, manipulative, over-pricing con man. Then again, not many people get to be professional con men at the age of thirty-three. At least, that's the norm.

And not many people got to live with Bill Northwest, so no one really knew how he really was – until Gideon and Pacifica moved in for the summer.

"Not it," Gideon said instantly.

"Not it," Pacifica followed.

"Uh, also not it," the young handyman sitting at the counter added.

Bill looked to him. "Nobody asked you, Robbie."

Robbie shrugged, crossing his arms. "I know, and I'm comfortable with that," he smiled.

Bill turned to the lady sluggishly fixing some items on a shelf as she tried to simultaneously read a magazine. "Melody, I need you to put up these signs!" he called.

Melody took her hand away from the shelved items and stretched out that arm to where Bill was standing, not making an effort to move any other limb. "I would, but I can't...ugh...reach..." she excused herself.

The magician sighed exasperatedly. "I'd fire all of you if I could." He tucked the signs under one arm to point at his employees. "Fine, let's see...eenie, meenie, mienie–" he pointed to Gideon "– you!"

"Aw, what?" Gideon frowned. "Mr. Northwest, whenever I'm in those woods, I feel like I'm bein' watched."

"Ugh, not this again," Bill rolled his eyes.

"I'm tellin' ya, something weird's goin' on in this town," the nine-year old added. "Just today, my mosquito bites spelled out 'BEWARE'!" To prove his point, he raised his forearm towards the magician.

Bill took one glance at Gideon's arm, and said, "...That says 'BEWARB'."

Indeed it did, and Gideon pulled his arm back towards himself, rubbing it as he looked down in embarrassment.

The magician decided to speak again. "Look, kid; the whole 'monsters in the forest' thing is just local legend, trumped up by con men like me so they can sell crazy conspiracy stuff to guys like _that_." He jabbed a finger in the direction of a tourist picking up a bobble-head toy that was in the shape of a rabbit. And with that, Bill shoved the arrow-shaped signs into Gideon's arms, waving him off with a "So quit being so paranoid!" and let the boy head into the woods.

* * *

><p>"Ugh, Mr. Northwest," Gideon sighed as he hammered a nail onto a tree. "No one believes what I say!" He hung a sign that said "TO THE MAGIC HOUSE" on the nail, and walked away to another tree.<p>

There _was_ something strange going on in Gravity Falls – so close he could just feel it. No one else seemed to notice, not even the older residents of the town. They just shrugged off the strange happenings, said there was nothing wrong with Gravity Falls. They said it so much that Gideon was beginning to think it was a lie. The only proof he had so far that supported his theory was the mosquito bites (maybe mosquitoes couldn't spell out "BEWARE" to save their lives), and the amount of triangles around the small town. Especially in the Magic House. What was it with triangles?

_What kind of town will Gravity Falls be like?_

Or was that magician right? Was he really just unnecessarily paranoid? No, no, there was probably an explanation to all of this. But what kind of explanation?

Gideon took up another nail, and held it in position, before tapping it with the hammer. Instead of going in, though, a metallic clang reached his ears. Curious, the nine-year old put his ear against the tree, and tapped it with the hammer. More metal. _What?_ He reached out and rubbed the surface with his hand, wiping some dust away, then pried with his fingers around the outline of a secret door. He pulled the door open, revealing an old control box.

He reached over to one switch, testing it, but nothing happened. Then he moved on to the second switch on the box – and a trapdoor behind him opened.

"What the...?" Gideon trailed off, his attention piqued. He walked over to the open hole in the ground, and looked inside, before reaching inside and pulling out an old, dirty object. He inhaled, and then blew the dust off the object, revealing it to be an aged book with a six-fingered golden hand on the cover. On the hand was the number "3". Carefully, Gideon set it down on the ground, and opened the book. The text "Vol. 3" and "Property of" greeted him, though the name beneath the latter phrase had faded out of legibility. The boy gingerly picked up the eyeglass tied to the book's binding, turned it over in his hand, and put it back down, then turned the page to an entry titled "July 4, 2000", reading aloud:

"_It's hard to believe it's been two years since I began studying the strange and wondrous secrets of Gravity Falls, Oregon."_

Turning more pages of this old book revealed to Gideon several questionable entries: _floating eyeballs? Cursed doors? Ghosts and spells?_ "What kind of doohickery is this?" Gideon asked himself, before skipping to another journal-like entry in the book, and read the text inside aloud:

"_Unfortunately my suspicions have been confirmed. I'm being watched.  
><em>_I must hide this journal before He finds it._

_Remember, in Gravity Falls, there is no one you can trust."_

The text below it ominously read: "TRUST NO ONE!" Thoughtfully, the nine-year old closed the book, and echoed the words to himself. "No one you can trust..."

"HELLO!"

"AH!"

Gideon jumped back to see Pacifica standing behind the log next to the trapdoor. "What're you reading? Some nerd thing?"

Quickly, he hid the Journal behind his back and turned completely towards her. "Uh, um, it's nothing!" he denied.

" 'Uh, um, it's nothing!'" Pacifica imitated him, then chuckled. "Gideon! You're really not gonna tell me?"

The nine-year old looked around nervously before turning back to his twelve-year old friend. "Uh, let's go somewhere private."

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><p>Gideon paced around the carpet of the living room in excitement. "It's amazing! Your uncle said I was just being paranoid, but accordin' to this book, Gravity Falls has this secret dark side." He showed Pacifica the book proudly. "Whoa!" she exclaimed. "Shut up!"<p>

"And that's not all!" he continued. "After a certain point, the pages just stop, like the guy who was writing it mysteriously disappeared!" Before Gideon could say more, though, the doorbell rings from outside. Both of them looked up at the sound.

"Who's that?" Gideon asked. From the time they spent with Pacifica's uncle, they could tell there were rarely any visitors who rang the doorbell – just tourists and the occasional neighbor who came to the gift shop to buy a thing or two. So who could that be?

Pacifica smiled. "Well, time to spill the beans!" She tipped over an empty can of beans onto the table next to the armchair she was sitting on. "Beans.

"I've got a new friend! Woo-hoo!" Gideon watched as she laughed and fell backwards into the seat of the armchair. _New friend? But how?_ He felt the first pangs of concern – _concern that he would be left behind by his only friend_ – seep in. "Lemme get this straight; in the half-hour I was out, y'already found a girl to hang out with?" he asked disbelievingly.

"What can I say?" Pacifica asked, pointing at herself cheekily. "I guess I'm just _irresistable_!" The doorbell rang again, and the twelve-year old got out of her chair and ran out of the room, calling, "Coming!"

As soon as Pacifica was out of the room, the nine-year old sat down onto the armchair, and took out the Journal, beginning to read through it. He had only been reading for a few seconds, though, when a voice from the living room doorway asked, "What're you reading there, kid?"

"Oh!" Gideon quickly hid the Journal once he realized it was Bill he was talking to. It was all a matter of trust really, and the nine-year old certainly did not trust his friend's uncle, whether said uncle believed in the supernatural or not. So he grabbed the first magazine off the table beside the armchair, opened it, and said, "Uh, I-I was just catchin' up on..." he took a minute to glance at the magazine's cover, "...'Fantastic Gold Watches Magazine'?"

"That's a good issue," Bill said, coming over and leaning on the armchair to look over Gideon's shoulder. The older man took a swig from his soda can, and that was when Pacifica called out, "Gideon! Uncle Bill!"

The two looked up to see Pacifica standing in the doorway of the living room. "Say hello to my new buddy!" she said, gesturing to her left.

Beside her was a taller girl (maybe a teenager?) who had her back turned on them. The girl turned towards them, and raised a hand in greeting. "Hi."

"Hi..." Gideon tried to greet back.

"How's it hanging?" Bill said nonchalantly.

"I met her at the cemetery," the twelve-year old said, a little proudly. "She's _really_ deep." Gideon had to feel a little suspicious at this, but still couldn't pinpoint why. "Uh, what's your name, again?" he asked.

"Oh...I'm a human.." the girl muttered, almost inaudibly, "...don't know..."

"She means 'Donna'!" Pacifica said for her. Gideon looked up to this so-called Donna. "Are 'ya bleedin', Donna?"

The girl looked at her cheek, which was dripping with red liquid. "...It's jam." At this, Pacifica smiled even more and nudged her new friend playfully. "I _love_ jam! See, we're gonna get along great!"

"So, you just wanna go hang out, or, whatever?" Donna asked. Pacifica nodded. "Sure, just testing the waters," she accepted. "Don't wait up!" She ran out through the door, and Donna pointed at the two boys as if to say goodbye before proceeding to bump into the wall as she followed Pacifica.

Gideon stood there, staring after Donna and Pacifica. There was something about this new friend of his friend's that just didn't feel right.

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><p>A few minutes later, Gideon found himself sitting in the attic, flipping through the pages of the Journal. Maybe everyone was right, maybe he was a little too paranoid, but maybe the Journal could explain away some of this weirdness. Or maybe just give his suspicions someplace else in his brain to reside.<p>

Whatever.

He turned to the next page, the one that was titled "The Undead", and read aloud to himself:

"_Known for their pale skin and bad attitudes, these creatures are often mistake for–_" Gideon gasped, " _–teenagers! Beware Gravity Falls's nefarious..."_

He trailed off as the image of Donna appeared in his mind – fitting the image of what was being described.

"ZOMBIE!"

_Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no._

Gideon grabbed at his head and tried to calm himself, to no avail. _She's in danger. She's gonna get her brains eaten out!_

A groan sounded from outside, and Gideon turned around to look through the window.

Pacifica was sitting in the yard, not suspecting anything from Donna, who was moaning as she walked towards her. "I like you," she said as Donna came closer and closer...

"_Don't worry about me, Gideon!"_

"'CIFICA!"


	3. Tourist Trapped (Part 2)

**(A/N: More Reverse Falls for everyone! And more Christmas/New Year's blessings!)**

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><p>"No, watch out!"<p>

Donna put her hands on Pacifica's shoulders, and Gideon was about to scream an octave higher when Donna moved back to show off what she had done: she had wrapped a daisy chain around Pacifica's neck.

"Daisies?" Pacifica looked down at the necklace. "You shouldn't have!"

Once he heard this, the nine-year old sighed in relief, feeling himself go a little light-headed. His friend was safe.

_For now._

It wasn't really any time to be celebrating. Gideon turned his back to the window, and pondered. "Is 'Cifica really friends with a zombie, or am I just goin' bonkers?"

"It's quite a problem, if you ask me."

"Ah!"

Gideon turned to the direction that the sound had come from – _why won't people stop sneaking up on me today?_ – and saw that on the stairs sat Robbie, for who knew how long. "I couldn't help but overhear you talking aloud to yourself in this empty attic," the teenager said.

"Robbie," Gideon said. "You've seen Pacifica's new friend. She's gotta be a zombie, somehow." "Probably," was the reply. "How many brains've you seen her eat?"

Gideon looked down, a little discouraged at the truth. "Zero."

Robbie pushed up his glasses. "Look, man, I believe you. I'm always noticing weird stuff in this town. Like the mailman? Pretty sure that guy's a werewolf." Gideon was sure the handyman was talking about the large amount of hair the mailman of Gravity Falls had. However, he made a mental note to check that in the Journal. Better safe than sorry.

"But you gotta have evidence." Robbie continued. "Otherwise, people will think you're just the boy who cried wolf."

"As always, Robbie, you're right."

A nod. "My wisdom is both a blessing and a curse."

"Robbie!" Bill called from downstairs. "I need you to help this guy with the glowing magic goop on the cashier!" Whatever "glowing magic goop" was, it was serious enough for the teenager to take his leave. "I am needed elsewhere," Robbie said as he left the attic in a dramatic fashion. _Glad he's not gonna fall backwards down the stairs._

Gideon stared after him, then looked down and lost himself in more thought. Pacifica's life depended on that evidence. It was time to gather some.

* * *

><p>Gideon had seen enough. After a few hours of following his best friend around town with a camera in tow – from playing catch to falling into an empty grave at the graveyard – he believed he had garnered enough evidence to prove that, yes, Donna was a zombie. He caught all of her odd mannerisms, every little movement, even her strange walking style, which was mainly composed of stumbling over things and groaning as if in pain. Maybe Pacifica thought it was alright, but Gideon knew it wasn't. He could almost <em>feel<em> it. So here he was, pushing open the door to his and Pacifica's shared room in the attic.

"'Cifica, we've gotta talk about Donna," he began to say. Pacifica turned towards him, and grinned. "I know, right?" she said excitedly. "We have all _got_ to hang out together sometime. Check out this bruise she gave me!"

She turned her cheek towards her friend, and he cried out. On her cheek was a huge, red, swollen mark. For a moment Gideon thought it was because of something that Donna had done, _she hurt Pacifica and I couldn't stop her_, until Pacifica laughed it off. "Gullible Gid," she chuckled. "It was just the leaf blower."

_What kind of incident involving a leaf blower would result in an injury like that?_ Gideon thought that was a tale to tell for later times, as Pacifica smiled to herself and said, "That was fun."

"No! Pacifica, listen!" the nine-year old tried to get her attention back. "I'm tryin' to tell 'ya that Donna is not what she seems!" To hammer home what he meant, he took the Journal out from his vest and showed it to her. Pacifica gasped.

"You think she might be a witch?" Pacifica half-whispered, then her face broke out in yet another grin. "That would be so cool!"

"Guess again, 'Cifica," he opened the Journal onto a random page, "sha-bam!"

"Gah!" Pacifica cried out in disgust. Gideon looked at the page, and found that he was not on "The Undead" page, but instead on one that was titled "Barf Fairies". _How embarrassing._ "Oh, sorry. Wrong page..." He quickly flipped to the right one, and showed it to Pacifica. "Sha-bam!"

Pacifica frowned. "A zombie? That is not funny, Gideon." She put her hands on her hips.

"I'm not joking!" Gideon exclaimed. "The bleeding, the gait, everythin'! And she never blinks! D'you notice that?!"

"Maybe she's just blinking when you're blinking," Pacifica tried to explain.

_You sound just like everyone else in town._ He swallowed that thought down; unlike everyone else in town, at least Pacifica bothered with him. _She'll hear me out, won't she?_ " 'Cifica, remember what the book said about Gravity Falls?" He felt more desperate for her to heed his warning. " 'Trust no one'!"

"Well, what about me?" she asked, trying to keep a grin on her face. "Why can't you trust _me,_ huh?"

" 'Cifica," he moved over and grabbed her shoulders, trying to shake some sense into her, "SHE'S GONNA EAT 'YER BRAINS!"

Without hesitation, Pacifica grabbed his hand and shoved it off her shoulder. "Fine then, Gideon! If you don't wanna hang out with us, then _fine_!" She shoved a finger into his stomach, pushing him away, _no you don't understand!_ Gideon could hear himself trying to mutter something to explain himself, but Pacifica continued, "I am not going to let you embarrass Donna with your crazy conspiracies, alright?!"

He was out the door before he knew it, and she slammed the door on him.

_Is that it?_

_How will I save her now?_

"What'm I gonna do?" he sighed, leaning his back against their door.

* * *

><p>The clock on the wall of the living room ticked 5:00. At the same time, the doorbell rang. <em>Possibly Donna again.<em> Gideon looked up from the armchair as Pacifica opened the door, and asked the teenage girl in front of her if she was ready to go. He found himself staring after her as she walked out the door again, out of his reach. The nine-year old then curled up with his feet on the armchair seat, setting the video camera he had used to gather evidence onto his knees.

_Maybe I was wrong about Donna._

"Robbie's right," he said to himself as he began playing the videos back, one by one. First Pacifica playing jump-rope, and then her handing Donna the jump-rope and watching the teenager get herself tangled in. _I never really was good at jump-rope either._ "I don't have any _real_ evidence."

The video then cut to another clip he had gotten, of Pacifica and Donna playing checkers. Pacifica had looked away to swat a fly as Donna was making her next turn. "I guess I _can_ be kinda paranoid sometimes, and – WAIT, WHAT?!"

Gideon put it on rewind, and then played it again. As Pacifica was distracted by the insect, Donna's hand had fallen off, but she had put it back on just as the twelve-year old turned back to the game.

"AH!" Gideon screamed as he fell over in the chair. "I was right! I was right! Oh my gosh!" He scrambled to his feet and was running on them out the door. _ I have to save her!_ "Mr. Northwest! Mr. Northwest!"

He ran outside, and to the stage where a bunch of tourists had gathered to see Bill's magic show. And of course, Bill was entertaining them first. At this moment, he was showing them a handful of black beans.

"And here we have a few magic beans!" The magician flourished with his wand for emphasis. "With a wave of my magic wand, this will turn into something beautiful!" He was about to bring his wand down when a little girl in the audience raised her hand. "Can I volunteer?" she asked.

"No thanks, I can–" Bill began to say, but was interrupted by a woman who looked like the girl's mother. "You've been telling her that since the beginning of the show!" "Look, it's not my fault if I don't need any assistance for this trick, or the tricks before this one!" The magician tried to explain.

"Over here!" Gideon yelled from the back of the audience as Bill continued to argue with the woman. "Mr. Northwest!"

"Look, I'll just perform this one trick, and _then_ your daughter can be a volunteer, alright?!" Bill relented. He had still not noticed Gideon standing in the back, though, and the nine-year old grit his teeth in frustration. "Mr. Northwest! Come _on_!" he screamed, getting more and more desperate.

The sound of a golf cart driving up to the other side of the building caught Gideon's ear, and he looked up to see Melody parking said golf cart. (As for why a magician would need a golf cart at all, Gideon assumed Bill would need it for some tricks. Or just because he was lazy around the yard. Or both.) "Melody!" he exclaimed, running over just as she had gotten out of the cart.

"Melody! Melody!" He called, waving his arms and standing in front of her. "I need 'ta borrow the golf cart so I can save 'Cifica from a zombie!" Maybe he should have realized how silly he sounded earlier, but he didn't know if it mattered because Melody smiled, and handed him the keys. "Try not to hit anyone important," was her lax warning as she walked off, and Gideon had to smile as well. _Thank you._

He put the keys in the ignition, put it in reverse, and hit the gas pedal. He was about to drive off when another person interrupted, "Kid!" Gideon looked up to see Robbie running up to him. "You're gonna go save your friend?" "Yeah," Gideon nodded.

Robbie handed him a shovel. "This is for the zombies."

Gideon took it from him. "Thanks."

The handyman then handed him a can opener. "And this is in case you have to live through a zombie apocalypse."

"Uh...thanks?" Gideon tried to say. Whatever. He resumed driving in reverse, and then turned towards the forest – where he was sure Pacifica was right now.

"Better safe than sorry!" he heard Robbie call after him.

* * *

><p>The nine-year old soon found himself driving through the woods in a frenzy. No sign of his friend anywhere. Sure, they could have just gone into town, but when did that ever do a zombie good? There were more people to eat, alright, but these people probably knew how to fight off zombies. Unless they were as incompetent as Bill believed them to be.<p>

"Stop it! Help!"

_Pacifica!_ "Oh no!" Gideon said. "Hang on!"

He pushed harder on the gas pedal and sped off towards the sound of that voice. It led him to a small hollow that was a little elevated above ground, and towards a bunch of..._little fairies?_

"Look, girl, the more you struggle, the more awkward this is gonna be for everyone," one of them in front said. She laughed. "Just...good. Get her arm there, Sarah!"

In the center of this group was Pacifica, who was currently trying to get these fairies away from her. One of them, presumably Sarah, was hanging on to her arm. "N-no!" she cried. "Let go of me!" She punched that fairy away, and kicked another one to the ground. One of them, upon landing on the ground, tried to compose herself but ended up standing by a tree and vomiting what looked like green glittery glue. The vomit itself burned through the ground.

Gideon got out of the cart, holding the shovel. "What the _heck_ is goin' on here?" he asked, bewildered. A fairy flew by him and, when it saw him, threw some dirt at his face. He coughed, and Pacifica looked up at him.

"Gideon!" she yelled. "Donna turned out to be a bunch of barf fairies! And they're really mean, too!" She punctuated this last word with a punch to another fairy, and this one grabbed at her hair. "Ow! Ow, hair!"

"Barf fairies?" Gideon asked himself, pulling the Journal out from his vest. "Well, 'ya can't be right every day." He flipped carefully to the relevant page, and read aloud: _"Barf fairies. Normally harmless, but if provoked, can use their own vomit as acid projectiles. Weaknesses: unknown."_ He lowered the Journal to see that these fairies had already tied Pacifica to the ground, leaving her no room to escape. "Aw, come on!" she said.

"Hey, you!" Gideon walked over to the fairy in front, presuming she was the fairies' leader – or at least, a supervisor. "Let go of my friend right now!"

The fairy turned around to greet him. "Oh, haha, hi there!" she raised a hand. "Boy, this is all just one big misunderstanding. Your friend Pacifica's certainly in no danger, you see; she's just gonna be our fairy queen for the rest of her natural life and ensure the species doesn't die out, you know, like ants and bees or something." She turned to Pacifica. "Isn't that right, hun?"

"You fairies are butt-faces!" the twelve-year old yelled back, and a fairy standing next to her had to close her mouth to keep her from protesting some more.

Gideon raised the shovel he held and pointed it at the fairy in front. "Give her back right now, or else!" he threatened, trying to look threatening enough.

"Heh! You think you can stop us, boy?" the lead fairy replied. "The barf fairies are a powerful race. Do not trifle with the–" at which point Gideon decided it was much easier to just swat her with the shovel. He ran over to Pacifica and swung the shovel down, cutting the strings tying her to the ground. She got up and in a swift motion knocked down all the other fairies, then joined Gideon and together they both ran to the golf cart.

"That kid's getting away with our queen!" the lead fairy screamed. "No, no, no!"

"Seatbelt," Gideon reminded his friend, letting her put a seatbelt on before backing up, and then turning around and getting out of the hollow.

As they drove through the woods, Pacifica continually looked over her shoulder, trying to see if anything was behind them. "You think we lost them?" she asked as she turned back to face in front. "I don't think we 'ave to worry 'bout them," he said, trying to reassure her. "See their lil' wings? Those fairies were tiny!"

As he was saying this, though, footsteps sounded behind them. But not ordinary footsteps, Gideon noted. Those were the footsteps of a _giant_! He pressed on the brakes, and he and Pacifica turned around to see what was coming up.

"Dang," Pacifica gaped.

What was behind them was what looked like a humongous barf fairy – composed of all the barf fairies they had encountered in the hollow and more. The lead fairy Gideon had swatted away was now sitting on top of the formation. "Alright, ladies, like we practiced!" she yelled. In response, the fairies forming the mouth let out an inhuman roar.

"Move, move, move!" Pacifica shouted as Gideon slammed on the gas pedal. They were able to get away just before a giant wad of acid landed where they had been, melting a crater into the ground. Undeterred, the giant fairy continued to chase after them.

"Come back with our queen, boy!" the fairy at the top shouted. The twelve-year old turned around to see the giant fairy. "It's getting closer!" she warned Gideon.

At this moment, various fairies began to detach themselves from the formation and flew up to the golf cart, landing on its top and spitting out acid to melt the roof. Another one flew in front of Pacifica, but she backhanded it away. Yet another fairy jumped up behind Gideon, but the nine-year old grabbed it and hit it against the steering wheel until it was too weak to attack, then dropped it overboard.

A barf fairy then landed in front of them, and latched itself onto Gideon's face. He could instantly feel the sharp nails digging into his skin and hat and the fairy itself preparing to douse his face with vomit-acid, _oh sweet mercy!_

"I'll save you, Gid!" Pacifica screamed, and then proceeded to punch the fairy on his face, preventing it from melting his face off. She punched the fairy (and Gideon) several times before it finally came off, falling as well behind them. "Thanks, 'Cifica," Gideon said in a daze, quite glad that the fairy was now something akin to roadkill; then he patted his injured face and learned that his cap was now gone.

"You're welcome," Pacifica said, but then the giant fairy-formation grabbed a tree and uprooted it. The two watched as the tree was thrown like a javelin and then landed in their path.

"LOOK OUT!" the twelve-year old screamed, and then both of them screamed as the golf cart swerved on the path, going through a gap between the tree and the ground and spinning out of control towards the Magic House until the cart crashed on its side.

Gideon groaned as he crawled out of the wreckage, and thought he heard Pacifica crawl out as well before a shadow loomed above them, and they looked up to see the giant barf fairy standing in front of them.

"Stay back!" Gideon yelled to the fairies, trying to sound brave, and reached down to grab the shovel which had fallen out in the crash. He threw it as high as he could, but all the fairy-monster did was kick it away onto the roof. The two kids screamed, and Pacifica grabbed Gideon and slowly pulled him back towards the wall of the House.

"Where's Uncle Bill?!" Pacifica asked in desperation. Gideon wished he could say that he knew, and even more wished he could say that the man could help, but he didn't know where Bill was and he didn't know if he could help and before they knew it they were driven into a corner.

"It's the end of the line, kids!" the fairy sitting at the top of the formation shouted. "Pacifica, become our queen before we do something crazy!"

"There's gotta be a way outta this!" Gideon tried to think, _think, think, think, what're we gonna do?!_ He reached into his vest and nearly took out his Journal – _for a spell? For more information that could help?_ – before

his friend stepped forward.

"I have to do this," Pacifica said with resolve.

"What?!" Gideon stepped in front of her. "Pacifica, please, don't do it! Are you crazy?" _Am I gonna have to lose you?_

"Trust me," she simply whispered.

"What?"

"Gideon, just this once! Trust me!"

He looked at the monster, and then to her, and then realized there was nothing more he could do. He stepped back, out of the giant's shadow, and let Pacifica talk.

"Alright, Jen," she said to the fairy at the top. "I'll be your queen."

"Hot dolly!" the fairy – now known as Jen – said in delight. "Comin' down there, girls!" She flew down from the top and landed in front of Pacifica. Out of her belt she pulled a sparkling crown made from metal, glass, and tiny flowers. Gideon watched as Pacifica lowered her head and let Jen put the crown on it.

"Bada-bing, bada-boom!" Jen snapped her fingers, then turned around. "Now let's get you back into the forest, Your Highness!"

"I don't think so!"

From out of the leaf pile behind her, Pacifica pulled out the leaf blower, and switched it on. Jen turned back around to see that Pacifica was sucking her in. "Hey! Wait a minute! What is this?!"

Gideon gasped, and so did the other fairies. _How could I have not noticed that before?_ At that moment Gideon realized how clever and brave his friend really was.

Jen tried her best to fly away, shouting incomprehensible words, but was soon sucked into the leaf blower. "That's for lying to me!" Pacifica yelled over the noise of its suction. Jen turned around to face the twelve-year old, and that was Pacifica increased the suction power. "That's for kidnapping me!" she shouted, ignoring Jen's cries of face-pain.

"And _this_ is for messing with my best friend!" She looked to Gideon, and then she pointed the leaf blower's end at the mass of fairies. To Gideon Pacifica said, "Wanna do the honors?"

"On three!" Gideon said, and they both chanted together: "One – two – three!"

With that, Gideon pushed the switch from suck to blow, and the leaf blower blasted the fairy out of it with so much force that it blew them backwards into the leaf pile. Jen, on the other hand, crashed right through the formation of barf fairies, breaking their system and scattering them while she flew into the horizon, screaming, "WE'LL GET YOU BACK FOR THIS!"

The other barf fairies fell to the ground and complained about their arms hurting and that they needed order. When the leaf blower was turned on them, they began to flee the Magic House property. "Anyone else want some?" Gideon taunted as Pacifica pointed the leaf blower at the fairies until all of them were gone into the woods, one of them flying into a spiderweb and screaming in terror when the spider came.

The two kids walked up to the entrance of the gift shop, tired and messy. Gideon personally wanted nothing more to take a shower (for once) and go straight to bed. _Bed sounds nice._ He was about to take a step on the porch when Pacifica stopped him.

"Hey, Gid," she began, and he turned to her. She put her hands behind her back and looked down to her feet. "I, um...I'm sorry for ignoring what you said. You were really just looking out for me."

"Shucks, don't be like that." He smiled. "You saved us right back there!"

Pacifica picked a leaf absently off of her shoulder. "I guess. I'm probably just sad that my first lady friend turned out to be a bunch of puke fairies."

"Look on the bright side. Maybe the next one..._will_ be a witch!"

A laugh, one that he was glad to hear. "You're just saying that."

"Awkward best friend hug?" Gideon offered, spreading out his arms. Pacifica did the same. "Awkward best friend hug." They went forward and embraced each other for a few seconds, before patting each others' backs. "Pat. Pat."

* * *

><p>The two walked into the gift shop to find Bill standing at the counter with a hat full of money, his suit sopping wet and a towel wrapped around his shoulders. Gideon closed the door behind him with his foot as he and Pacifica looked up at the latter's uncle.<p>

"Whoa, you two get hit by a bus or something?" Bill asked, and he apparently thought this was funny, because he laughed and slammed his hand on the counter. Gideon, on the other hand, thought an image of a wet magician was a little funnier, and would be if Bill had worn his mascara today. (Yes, that was one thing they had learned when living with Bill Northwest – he wore a bit of make-up. Showmen do, that was his excuse – Pacifica told Gideon she would set up an elaborate blackmail scheme based on that fact one day.) But for some reason, he just couldn't bring himself to even snidely remark, and neither could Pacifica. So they just walked away, on to the "Employees Only" door.

"Uh, hey!" Bill called. They looked over their shoulders, and he, looking away, continued, "Wouldn't you know it, I...accidentally overstocked the inventory. So, how's about each of you kids take something from the gift shop? On the house, y'know?"

Pacifica turned around to face him. "Really?" she asked, sounding a little appreciative of his sudden generosity. Gideon, on the other hand, still didn't feel like he should trust Bill, and so crossed his arms. "What's the catch?" he asked, a little suspiciously.

"The catch is do it before I change my mind," Bill said, having had taken all the money out of his top hat and laid out in front of him. He put his hat on, and Gideon noticed he looked almost self-conscious. The magician gathered up the wad of dollars and opened up the cash register. "Now take something."

With that, Gideon and Pacifica were soon walking all around the gift shop, looking for something that might interest them. While Pacifica walked over to the back of the shop, Gideon found himself gravitating over to the hats. He looked at one of the lower shelves – the shelf with the label "The caps glow in the dark!" He took one such cap, a blue one with a pine tree on it, and put it on. Looking in the mirror, he felt a little better. "Huh," he started to smile, tipping the brim upwards. "That outta do the trick!"

"And I will have a..." Pacifica said while looking in a box, then as she pulled her desired item out of the box she continued, "...grappling hook! Yes!"

Bill and Gideon stared at her for a few seconds, then exchanged a look, before the magician asked his niece, "Wouldn't you rather have a doll, or something like that?"

Pacifica's answer was to shoot the grappling hook up at the ceiling, and it wrapped around a wooden beam. She was then hauled up above the ground, knocking over a few boxes in the process. "Grappling hook, Uncle Bill!" she exclaimed, having made up her mind.

"Fair enough!" Bill relented.

* * *

><p>"<em>This journal told me that there was nobody in Gravity Falls that I could trust."<em> wrote Gideon in the empty pages of the Journal. _"But when you battle a hundred barf fairies side-by-side with someone, you realize they've got your back no matter what."_

He looked up to Pacifica, who had been looking for something to shoot her new grappling hook at in the attic; and now she decided on aiming it at the still-lit lantern that served as their light in their room. "Hey, Gid, you ready to sleep yet?" she asked.

"Just a moment," Gideon replied. One more thought was going into this Journal before he slept tonight. "Alright then," Pacifica said, and she snuggled up under the covers, still eyeing the lantern with the look of an amateur marksman. Meanwhile the nine-year old put his pen back to the empty page and continued writing.

"_Pacifica's uncle told us there was nothing strange about this town. But who knows what other secrets are waiting to be unlocked..."_

He clicked the pen and shut the Journal. "Alright, 'Cifica, you can get the lights now."

"On it!" The twelve-year old jumped up on her bed and aimed the grappling hook at the lantern, then fired. It released with such a force that not only took out the lantern, but also got the hook to break the window as well. At this, the two kids laughed.

* * *

><p><em>That's gonna be a pain to clean up in the morning.<em> Bill turned the flashlight over in his hand as he headed into the gift shop. He could probably clean that up tomorrow. Let's just hope the tourists don't see that.

As he opened the door to the gift shop and headed inside, he felt his lungs beg him for a little release. A little...cigarette, maybe?

_No._ Bill wanted to stick to that deal he made while talking to his reflection: he wanted to quit smoking. If the kids living with him didn't need smoke, then he didn't need it either.

_Man, one week without smoking and I already want to smoke. How am I gonna last the whole summer?_

He walked up to the grandfather clock in the corner, the one that he told people was simply for decoration and not for sale. When he told Gideon and Pacifica that, they had been confused – a man obsessed with money, not wanting to sell this? Must be sentiment.

Or purpose.

He reached up to the edge of the clock face, and opened it, revealing a keypad consisting of the whole alphabet and numbers 1-9. Bill typed in a code that was familiar only to him, and the clock swung back in response. It showed him a secret entrance to his hiding place, the one place he returned to every night.

He stepped inside and, after making sure no one had seen him, shut himself in.

* * *

><p><strong>(AN: This was so much fun to write. Don't expect "Legend of the Gobblewonker" to be poster as quick, though. Like so many of you, I am working on another story. So be patient, especially if you are following both this story and "Once and For All".**

**And a lot of the scenes are cut – involving the reveal of Donna to be a bunch of barf fairies – because I am writing this episode mainly in Gideon's perspective. What he sees, I write, and what he doesn't see, I try to fill in. This was a little hard, and kind of inconvenient, so I won't attempt writing in strictly one character's point of view again until the last episode of Season 1.**

**If you want to know, Bill is wet in the gift shop scene because he was doing an escape trick involving a milkcan and the little girl was sitting on top of the cover to spite him.**

**Yes, barf fairies are numerous in the AU. So, I guess that means...there is only one gnome in this AU? It's probably Jeff. He and Jen have a heck of a time arguing about hunting for food in the forest.**

**ELOO'V PDVFDUD ZLOO DSSHDU DJDLQ**


	4. Legend of the Gobblewonker (Part 1)

**(A/N: Sorry for the long wait! Writer's block, school, and life just got to me. Anyway, here is "Legend of the Gobblewonker"!)**

**All disclaimers apply.**

* * *

><p>It was a sleepy morning in Gravity Falls. At least, that sounded like the perfect way to describe mornings in this small town. Two children, however, were anything but sleepy. In fact, they were as awake as ever.<p>

"Are you ready for the ultimate challenge?" Pacifica Northwest asked, holding up a maple syrup bottle.

"I'm always ready!" Gideon Gleeful answered, holding up another maple syrup bottle.

The two then aimed the openings of the bottles towards their open mouths. "Time for a syrup race!" they both exclaimed excitedly. "Go, Maple Leaf!" Pacifica cheered on her bottle, which had a maple leaf on it. Meanwhile, Gideon cheered as well, "Go, Stars and Stripes!" to his bottle, which had the American flag on it.

"Go! Go! Go!" they repeatedly chanted, waiting for even a tiny drop of syrup to fall out of the opening. They sat like that for a couple of seconds before Pacifica reached up and tapped the bottom of her bottle, forcing the syrup out of it and into her mouth. "Yes!" she coughed, "I won!"

Her nine-year old friend decided to take her victory in stride, though, and picked up a magazine that was lying on the table. He flipped through a few pages before stopping, and turning to her. "Hey, 'Cifica! Look'it this!" he said, moving the magazine so that she could see what was on the page.

" 'Human-sized Hamster Ball'?" Pacifica read, and then gasped in joy. "I'm human-sized!"

"No, 'Cifica, this." Gideon pointed to the other page, which read "Monster Photo Contest". "We see stranger things than these everyday! We didn't happen to get pictures of those barf fairies, did we?"

"Nope, just memories," Pacifica shrugged. Then she pulled out a familiar hot pink hoodie. "And also Donna's hoodie!"

"Why'd you keep that?"

"I don't know."

Gideon was just about to ask something more when a yawn sounded from behind him, and Pacifica's uncle Bill Northwest came in from the doorway. "Mornin', kids!" he said, uncharacteristically cheery. "Know what day it is today?"

"Be...Awfully Cheery Day?" Gideon tried.

"Happy birthday!" Pacifica guessed enthusiastically.

Both replies were met with a frown and a hand slamming down onto the table. "It's Family Fun Day, geniuses!" Bill answered. The magician-slash-con man then turned on his heel and walked towards the ancient-looking fridge, taking out the only carton of milk inside. "I'm puttin' aside work today for some..." he paused to sniff the milk, "...bonding stuff."

"Uncle Bill," the twelve-year old asked hesitantly, "this isn't gonna be like our _last_ 'bonding stuff', is it?"

By "last bonding stuff", Bill knew his niece probably meant the time he had taken her on a special trip to a dark and shady place with millions of typewriters and millions of signatures to copy – in short, the time he had let her assist him in forging government documents. They had nearly gotten away with it had it not been for the cops coming in at the last second.

"I hope this is better, Mr. Northwest, 'cause I don't want my friend endin' up in jail again," Gideon's Southern voice broke Bill out of his memory. He looked back to the two kids sitting down at the table, and walked over to them.

"Look, kids, I know I haven't been the best summer caretaker," he told them, putting a hand on Pacifica's shoulder. "But I swear – today, we're gonna have some _real_ fun! Now who wants to put on some blindfolds and get into my car!"

"YAY!" The cheer was held for only half a second before Gideon processed what Bill had just said. "Wait, what?"

* * *

><p><em>Maybe I shouldn't have persuaded him to take me along,<em> Gideon thought as the tires of the car squealed on the road, and the car moved to the left before going back again.

But then again, he couldn't leave Pacifica alone again, so soon after the barf fairies incident. He brought his knees up to his chest, feeling uncomfortable and maybe even a little carsick. "Blindfolds never lead t'anything good," he said to himself, uneasy.

Pacifica seemed to be appreciating the mystery of the trip though, and reached out her hands around herself. "Whoa, it feels like my four other senses have become stronger!" she commented, then placed a hand on Gideon's face. "Now I can see with my hands!"

Gideon had to laugh at the contact; it _was_ kind of funny. However, soon their playful behavior was interrupted by the car going over a bump in the road, making them jump up in their seats. The nine-year old nearly whimpered. _Queasy yet again._

"Mr. Northwest," he asked the driver, "you're not wearin' a blindfold too, are 'ya?"

"No, but with my short attention span, I might as well be!" The way Bill said this so nonchalantly was unnerving to the two kids, and even more so when he pointed out a woodpecker and ended up driving through the barrier into the forest.

* * *

><p>After what felt like a million hours, the kids were finally out of the car. Gideon thought he heard footsteps coming forward. Secretly he hoped Bill was coming over to take off their blindfolds; he didn't want any of the other adults of Gravity Falls asking what two children were doing standing in front of a car (that probably looked worse for wear) and wearing blindfolds. Luckily for them, it was Bill's voice that piped up."Okay, kids, take 'em off now!" he exclaimed.<p>

Pacifica and Gideon pulled off their blindfolds, and found their eyes opened to Bill standing in front of Lake Gravity Falls, spreading his arms out to show off the sign above him, which read: "Fishing Season Open Day". "Ta-da!" he said. "It's fishing season!"

Maybe not so luckily for them.

"Fishing?" Pacifica asked curiously.

"What're you playin' at?" Gideon asked uncomfortably.

"C'mon, you kids'll love it! The whole town's lined up!" the magician pointed out to the lake, where a woman was coaxing the fishes to get into her frying pan, a reporter taking a picture of a man who had caught a large fish (the man had ended up getting blinded by the camera's flash and fell into the water along with his catch), and a rather severe-looking man sitting with who looked like three of his friends. All had been going normally with this group until the severe-looking man snapped their fishing rods in half, screamed, "I'll show you how a _real man_ fishes!" and with only a second's waiting grabbed a fish from the water and started pounding it and beating it onto the boat like there was no tomorrow while his boatmates started cheering him on, along with a large man from another boat.

"Now _that's_ some quality bonding!" Bill clapped his hands together. Pacifica took one look at her uncle, who had the widest smile on his face, and asked, "Uh, Uncle Bill, why do you wanna hang out with me all of a sudden?"

Bill turned around to face her. "Don't worry, this is gonna be great!" he reassured them (or rather, tried to). "I've never really had fishing buddies before; the guys at the lodge won't go with me – they don't 'like' or 'trust' me."

"Still not so sure," Gideon said. Pacifica turned to her friend. "Gid, I think he actually wants to go fishing with us," she said in a concerned tone.

"Hey, I know what'll cheer you right up!" He pulled out a fishing hat from behind him and slapped it onto Pacifica's head. Gideon looked over as she pulled it off to read the letters spelling out "NIECE" that were stitched onto the hat. "That's hand stitching right there, y'know!" Bill said, and Pacifica thought that explained the terrible quality of the sewing. She and her friend looked up, and saw that her uncle had exchanged his top hat for another fishing hat; this time his fishing hat read "UNCLE". As for his other hat, he folded it and tucked it away into his vest. "It's just gonna be me, you kids, and these silly hats on a boat for ten hours!" Bill gleefully proclaimed.

"_Ten hours?!_" Gideon asked disbelievingly.

"I brought the joke book!" Bill pulled out the familiar "1001 Yuk 'Em Ups: Uncle Approved!"

Gideon recoiled. "Not the joke book!"

Pacifica turned despairingly to Gideon. "There has to be some way out of this!"

"I've seen it! I've seen it again!"

Both of them looked up at the sound of this terrified voice. Running around in fright was a man – who was, for some reason, wearing an old moth-eaten suit. He shoved people out of his way, turned over tables of fish, and even smacked a sandwich out of a man's grasp before reaching to grab another man's shoulders in desperation.

"The Gravity Falls Gobblewonker!" he screamed. "Come quick before it scrapdoodles away!" He pushed the man he was grabbing away before beginning to do a little jig.

"If it's so dangerous, then why is he dancing?" Pacifica asked her friend, but before Gideon opened his mouth, the man stepped over to them, shouting into their ears, "BECAUSE IT'S A DANCE OF _GRAVE DANGER_!"

"Hey, hey!" The owner of the shop ran out of the building and pulled out a spray bottle. "What have I told you about scaring the customers?" He shouted, spraying water at the older man. "This is your last warning, Dad!"

"No! I've got proof this time!" The older man yelled, and Gideon looked at his friend.

* * *

><p>"Behold!" The man pointed down at a wrecked boat lying in the water at the end of the pier. Then he continued to the crowd beside him, "It's the Gobblewonker that did this! It had a long neck like a T-rex, and-and a tail as thin as...this gentleman right here!" He pointed at Bill, who was not listening and instead classily picking his nose. "Huh?" the magician asked absently.<p>

"It smashed my boat down to smithereens," the distressed man continued, "and then went out to Scuttlebutt Island!" He pointed at the large foggy island in the middle of Lake Gravity Falls, then grabbed his son's arm and pulled him towards him like a child pulls their parent towards a toy in a toy shop. "You gotta believe me!"

"Attention, all units!" Sheriff Powers called from his police boat. He smiled mockingly and declared, "We have ourselves a lunatic!"

At this, the crowd that had gathered around the hysterical man started laughing at him. His son lowered his eyes, shook his head in disappointment, and walked away.

"Oh, donkey spittle," the father sighed. He despondently walked away, muttering euphemisms. The crowd walked away with him, and Pacifica and Gideon watched them go.

"Well, that happened," Bill shrugged and stepped down into a flimsy little boat beside the pier. Gideon quite thought it looked like it might fall apart at any moment. "Now let's untie this boat and get on that lake!" he said, starting to untie the boat.

Gideon turned to Pacifica. " 'Cifica! Didja hear what that guy just said?"

" 'Oh, donkey spittle!'"said Pacifica, rendering an imitation of the so-called lunatic.

"The _other_ thing, y'know, 'bout the monster in the lake! If we get a picture of that thing, we could split the profit!" Gideon pulled out the magazine from breakfast and turned it to the "Monster Photo Contest" page. "Imagine what you could do with _500_ dollars!"

Pacifica turned around, and did imagine what she could do – not that her family didn't have enough money on its own. What was that thing inside the magazine? Ah, yes – the human-sized hamster ball! Now she could wear it and mock the hamsters now that they weren't so high and mighty, now that _she_ had a hamster ball!

" 'Cifica? 'Cifica?" Gideon snapped a finger in front of her face, wondering what kind of thoughts she was absorbed in right now. She blinked, going back into reality, and turned to her friend.

"Gid, I am _one million_ percent on board with this!" she declared, throwing her hands up. Gideon had to smile – _helpful Pacifica, through and through._

Pacifica walked past the nine-year old to her uncle, who was still struggling with the knot on the boat. "Uncle Bill, change of plans!" she said conversationally. "We're gonna take that boat to Scuttlebutt Island, and catch that lake monster! How's that for bonding stuff?" She turned towards Gideon, and as if triggered by some unknown cue, began chanting with him, "Monster hunt! Monster hunt!"

"Monster hunt!" They looked up to see that same crazy man from earlier trying to join in the cheer, before realizing they had gone silent and sighing as he awkwardly tried to exit.

Bill thought he would have made a comment about this occurrence, but then the sound of a boat horn made him jump in his seat. He and the kids turned around to see a large boat pull in, making his boat look as small as a fly. And to add insult to injury, his sixteen-year old employee Robbie Valentino was standing at the wheel. _That kid's family owned a boat?! Moreover, he knows how to steer it?_

"You guys say something about a monster hunt?" Robbie asked, walking out to the edge of the deck. "Robbie!" Gideon called out. "What's up, Gleeful?" the teenager asked, leaning over the edge for a fist-bump, and then made explosion noises with the kids. He then offered, "You two could totally use my boat for your hunt! 'Cause, you know, it's got a steering wheel, chairs..." he patted the side proudly, "...all that normal boat stuff."

"Okay, okay, let's think this through," Bill interrupted the get-together. "You kids could go waste your time on some epic 'monster hunt'..." at this he tried to make the latter statement sound better, "...or you could spend the day skewering worms and learning how to tie knots with yours truly!"

Pacifica and Gideon glanced at Robbie, who smiled encouragingly and pointed his thumb in the direction of his boat. Then they looked down to Bill, sitting in his rickety old boat, with the terrible joke book and silly fishing hat in tow. And finally they looked towards the alluring island in the middle of the lake, before exchanging a look.

There was only one thing to do now.

"So, whaddya say?" Bill asked, but the sound of a boat engine answered him, and he looked up to see Robbie, Gideon, and his niece speeding towards the island . Cheers of "Woo-hoo!" and "We made the right choice!" echoed from Robbie's boat, and the magician's mouth fell open in shock.

He was silent for a moment before swallowing the shock down. "Ingrates!" he yelled after them, then continued trying to untie the rope still holding the boat to the pier. "Who needs 'em, anyway? I've got a whole bucket of worms to keep me company!"

The magician looked over his shoulder to said bucket of squirming wet worms, and realized maybe they weren't such a good choice of companions.

* * *

><p>Gideon looked out on the lake, feeling excited. Free from ten hours of sitting in an unstable boat and listening to terrible jokes, free to go on a monster-finding adventure, free from Bill they were!<p>

"Hoist the anchor!" he called, and that was what Robbie did.

"Raise the flag!" he said, and Pacifica lifted up a towel with the word "FUN" on it. And fun was what they were going to have.

"We're gonna find that Gobblewonker!" the twelve-year old proclaimed.

"We're gonna win that photo contest!" the nine-year old followed.

"Do any of you want something to eat?" the sixteen-year old asked. "I'm hungry!"

"We're gonna...go get snacks!" Gideon tried.

All four of them cheered, unaware of what lurked in the lake beneath them.


End file.
